


Hyphema

by Katarable



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bittersweet, Communication Failure, Denial of Feelings, I didn't read the manga I just read the wiki and made stuff up, M/M, Pining, Self-Destructive Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katarable/pseuds/Katarable
Summary: “The life Kurapika has made for himself is a life in a river of blood. It’s in his lungs, it’s in his eyes, it’s everywhere, and if he lets anyone else in then they’ll get hurt. He’ll hurt them. And Kurapika won’t let Leorio drown.”Kurapika finds someone who is many things and who makes the rage die somehow.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 7
Kudos: 72





	Hyphema

Leorio is dumb.

  
That’s the first thing Kurapika thinks when he lays eyes on him. And sure, Kurapika isn’t exactly the best at understanding people considering he grew up in a closed community and hasn’t had a friend in years, but nobody would blame him for thinking that Gon is naïve and Killua is hardened and Leorio is dumb as a sack of rocks.

  
Kurapika passes judgment quickly on others. It’s a force of habit that developed after…it happened. Make assumptions and pass judgment quickly to keep from getting attached and losing them. So far, Gon and Killua have managed to prove him wrong at least a little bit. Gon is…a child, but he’s shockingly knowledgable, and there’s a kind of glee that lives in Killua’s smile and the way he moves. They balance each other out

  
Leorio is a lot more selfless than Kurapika gave him credit for. He might be the most selfless out of all of them.  But he is dumb. And Kurapika doesn’t think there’s anything that will change that.

* * *

Leorio is thoughtful.

  
God, something about thinking that feels like a crime. They haven’t known each other for long, but Leorio is supposed to be the dumb one, and thus far he’s been living up to that assumption. Sacrificing precious hours for a chance at second base was certainly proof enough. So why is he reading one of Kurapika’s books?

  
Well, it’s not Kurapika’s book, it’s just one of the books he read during the first few hours of their detainment. They have about fifteen hours left to go before they can escape the tower. Gon and Killua are chatting and giggling their heads off in the corner and Kurapika has spent most of his time reading, like he usually does when there’s down time. And Leorio…has picked up one of the books that Kurapika just finished and started reading it.

  
There’s something about the way Leorio looks while he reads that’s intriguing. He’s the kind of person who should have settled for a 9-5 and resigned himself to the world’s cruelty a long time ago, but now he looks like none of those things. His skin is a lot softer than it looks from afar, not a wrinkle in sight, and his cheeks and jaw don’t look as aggressively angular as usual. Every hair on his head is black as can be, and Kurapika remembers what Leorio’s body looks like thanks to their semi-nude trek through the first phase. It’s quite a nice body and the face isn’t half bad either. He actually looks his age. He looks…

_  
Oh. Leorio is hot._

  
Just then, his gaze snaps up and he looks right at Kurapika. “What’re you looking at?”

  
Kurapika averts his eyes. “Nothing.”

  
“Nothing, huh? Not stealing a glance at a beautiful man?”

  
He winks, he _winks_ , and Kurapika wants to punch him in the face. “As if.”

  
“Yeah, yeah. If you like looking at beautiful people you’d just look in a mirror, I get it.”

  
“Ugh, you’re so—”

  
Wait a minute.

_  
If you like looking at beautiful people you’d look in a mirror._

  
“Hey, what the hell? Did you just call me beautiful?”

  
“What? No! Well, yeah, I guess. Wait, why is that a bad thing?”

  
“What are you trying to pull here?”

  
“It was a _compliment!”_

  
As they descend into bickering, Gon and Killua watch from their corner, Gon giggling and Killua making an obscene gesture with his hands.

* * *

Leorio is good.

  
He’s absolutely terrible at combat (seriously, how does one get bested by _Tonpa,)_ and they still bicker like nobody’s business, but he immediately says yes when Kurapika asks him to team up. They work really well off of each other. A tall man with force and fire balances well against a small man who’s quick on his feet. Even the bickering evens out after a while. It’s…nice.

  
The island reminds Kurapika of home. It’s not an exact match, but something about the way the trees frame the sky feels familiar. The stars have gotten bright by the time they’re setting up camp for the night.

  
“D’you have a favorite constellation?” Leorio asks.

  
“No, not really. At least not a normal one.”

  
“What do you mean ‘normal?’”

  
“Kurtans don’t have the same astrology system as the outside world, so you wouldn’t recognize any of our constellations. I doubt you would even be able to figure it out. It takes a lot of practice.”

  
Leorio yawns and mumbles “you’ll have to teach me sometime” as he closes his eyes. He’s snoring in no time flat, and Kurapika isn’t even sure if he’ll remember it the next morning, but he responds anyway, because nobody has ever seemed to want to learn more about being Kurtan.  


  
“I’d like that.”

* * *

Gon and Killua aren’t here this time, but Melody is. The ordeal with the Phantom Troupe should be over, but she knows better than that, and she’s watching from Kurapika’s bedside the way those boys watched from their corner.

  
Leorio is here, too. Kurapika has only mentioned him once or twice, but it’s always been good things. It turns out he’s better than good. He’s great. His heartbeat is a breath of fresh air, especially in a cesspool like Yorknew where all she hears is corruption.

  
“You should really get some sleep,” she says. “You’ll need your strength.”

  
“I’ll sleep when he wakes up.”

  
That’s the same thing he said two days ago.

  
She’s had her suspicions for a little while. They started out with the way Kurapika smiles when he talks about Leorio. They end with Leorio, elbows resting on his knees, gaze fixed on Kurapika in spite of the exhaustion tugging at his eyelids.

  
She can hear his heart breaking.

* * *

Leorio is irrelevant.

  
Not that Kurapika doesn’t care. He does. Very much so. It’s actually confusing how much he cares. He’s just irrelevant when it comes to finding the eyes. He’s managed to get his hands on two pairs so far, and he’s been holed up in an old church with them for a few days now. Whose eyes they are, Kurapika doesn’t know. It’s probably better that way.

  
(He’ll know when he finds Pairo’s, that’s for sure.)

  
Sleeping in a church with no bed isn’t exactly ideal, but Kurapika doesn’t want to leave the eyes, his people, alone, and it’s no skin off his back if he goes MIA for a few days. He’s going to find a place to keep the eyes safe, and then he’ll find them all and bring them back home. And then…and then.

  
There are still times when his mind does wander to other things. He wonders how Gon and Killua are getting on in Greed Island. He wonders if Melody has gotten close to finding the music. He wonders if Killua has realized that Gon is in love with him, and he wonders what his life would be like if he were allowed to love someone that way. It’s just daydreams, though. There’s no room in Kurapika’s life for love. Only rage.

  
His phone vibrates in his hand and he lets it go straight to voicemail like he usually does. This time, however, he actually bothers to listen to it.

  
“Hey, Kurapika. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing from me, but this is really urgent and I need you to pick up if you can. Gon is in the hospital. Critical condition. I…I don’t think he’s going to make it, Kurapika.” Leorio’s voice breaks. “He’s unconscious, but I know he’d appreciate it if you came and saw him. Try to get down here if you can. It might be your last chance.”

  
The voicemail ends and his phone clatters to the floor.

  
Gon is dying.

  
Gon Freecss, the boy who taught Kurapika how to smile again, is dying.

  
He can’t even cry, he can’t even scream, there’s just this sickness creeping up from under the numb because Gon is dying and he’s just a boy and Kurapika can’t lose another boy.  He can’t just go, but he also has to go. Even if just for one day. Gon could be dead any minute, he could be dead right now, and Kurapika won’t let himself miss the chance to say goodbye.

  
He can hide the eyes and lock the doors, and if they aren’t here when he gets back, he’ll comb through however many bodies it takes to get them.

* * *

Leorio is confused.

  
Granted, he does have every right to be considering Kurapika is standing outside his apartment with no warning.

  
“Can I come in?”

  
Leorio nods, Kurapika steps inside, and Leorio immediately slaps him across the face. Yeah, he deserved that.

  
“What the _fuck,_ Kurapika, are you allergic to answering your phone? I’ve called a million times, what have you been doing? How did you even get here?”

  
“Word travels fast and I have connections in high places.”

  
“Gon almost died. You know that, right? You’re aware he almost died?”

  
“How is he?”

  
“Full recovery. He met up with Ging tonight. I think he’s heading back to Whale Island soon so make sure to catch him before then.” The look Leorio is giving him is so poisonous, almost like he’s holding a grudge. Rightfully so. “I’m…look, I’m sorry for being a dick. This week has been like hell.  How long are you in town?”

  
“Not sure. Three days, maybe.”

  
Leorio smiles that smile that makes Kurapika break into a million pieces. “Then let’s make it a good three days.”

* * *

On the first day he sees Gon, who did indeed make a complete recovery. His hugs are just as tight and his eyes just as bright as if nothing had ever happened. He also manages to catch Killua just as he’s preparing to set off with his sister. The boy is just as snarky as always, but he seems to be more sincere when he talks, and the circles under his eyes are darker than they’ve ever been. Whatever happened to him, he didn’t get out unscathed.

  
He doesn’t have to tell Kurapika what happened, and Kurapika makes that clear.  Killua looks down at his hands and whispers “I love him” anyway.

  
Oh. Now it makes sense.

  
He returns to Leorio’s apartment after seeing them and lies on the couch for a long time. It’s a pretty nice place. Small, but a smaller apartment makes more sense for jenny-pinching Leorio, and there’s only one person living there at any given time. Unless Leorio brings people home with him often.

  
Those thoughts prick needles in his heart, so Kurapika focuses on Leorio talking about his Nen and the way the pillows smell like his dollar store cologne.

  
“Right now I can only use it for surface level physical things, like tension relief and skin conditions, but I’m working up to doing way more. Breaking up tumors is the ultimate goal, but the possibilities are endless! I could even be like a human defibrillator if I wanted to.”

  
Leorio’s Nen gives life. Kurapika’s kills him. Oh how opposites attract.

  
“I’m going to die.”

  
Hm. Why did he say that?

  
“Uh…yeah, me too,” Leorio says. He’s nervous. “‘Death is a part of life’ and all that.”

  
He can’t look at Leorio, so he looks up at the ceiling. There’s a mark on it. Kurapika wonders how it got there. “No. I’m going to die. It’s my Nen.”

  
“Is this about that restriction you set?”

  
The mark looks like dirt. How did someone get dirt on the ceiling? “There’s another one. Every time I use my specialist abilities I lose time off my lifespan.”

  
He rolls over so his cheek presses against the couch cushion. “Every second used is an hour gone.”

  
Leorio rolls Kurapika back onto his back. There’s no color left in his face and no light behind his eyes. “Why?”

_  
Why,_ isn’t that always the question. _Why did I tell you? Why is there a mark on your ceiling? Why haven’t I died and joined my people yet? Why are you so good when the world is so cruel? Why do I lie in bed at night and pretend you’re holding me? Why does my rage die when I’m with you?_

  
“I thought you should know.”

  
Leorio shuts his mouth. Opens it. Shuts it again. Kurapika stands.  “I’m going now.”

  
Kurapika can hear Leorio retching into the toilet as he leaves, and he decides maybe it would be best to spend the second day alone.

* * *

Leorio is gentle.

  
On the third day, Kurapika shows up at his door covered in dirt and blood. Leorio doesn’t even ask any questions; he just tells Kurapika to take off his shoes on his way in. He falls into Leorio’s arms like deadweight, not even considering that he’s getting blood all over Leorio’s suit. Thankfully Leorio doesn’t seem to care.

  
“What happened? Are you hurt?”

  
He shakes his head and hugs him tighter.

  
“Okay. Well, you’re filthy and need to wash up. And I am going to make sure you’re not covering up any injuries you don’t want me to see.”

  
“There really is nothing wrong,” Kurapika mumbles. He can feel Leorio’s heart beating against his cheek. Melody was right, it’s very soothing.

  
“Let me take care of you for once. Please.”

  
Hmm. He’s tired. He’s dirty. He should listen to the Doctor.

  
Kurapika never thought he’d actually be lucky enough to see Leorio naked, and he sure as hell didn’t think this would be the way it would happen, but life is as crazy as it is cruel. So they undress, and they step into the shower together. Leorio scrubs the blood from the tips of his hair, and he lathers the dirt off his face. Kurapika tries to return the favor, but touching Leorio’s muscles just makes him blush, and he’s so damn _tall_ that he can’t even reach his head.

  
“Is this okay?”

  
Kurapika nods, because yes, everything about this is definitely okay.

  
The wet, soft kisses he presses to the ring-shaped bruises on his fingers are more than okay.

  
“Will you come to bed?” The images that go with Leorio asking Kurapika to bed make Kurapika blush, and then it hits Leorio and he scrambles to backpedal like always. “Not like that! I just…I know that if you leave you’ll just stay up all night and get in danger and you really need to get some sleep.”

_  
Listen to the Doctor, Kurapika._ “Okay.”

  
Leorio smiles and brushes the hair from Kurapika’s forehead so he can kiss him there. It’s as electrifying as the last five, but Kurapika can’t stop thinking _my lips are down here, just move a little, just_ kiss me.

  
“I’ll be in my room. You can take the couch, but…I’d rather you not.”

  
Kurapika blushes as he watches Leorio go. He was kind enough to leave one of his t-shirts by the sink, which Kurapika pulls on, and of course it’s long enough to reach his thighs. He finds Leorio sitting up in his tiny ass bed, still not wearing a shirt. He takes his spot next to him silently. Kurapika thinks it might be wise to keep a bit of space between them, but after climbing into bed and getting under the covers he realizes that won’t be possible without one of them rolling off the bed. So Kurapika lets himself curl against Leorio’s chest, where the crown of his head sits right under his chin.

  
“I’m so glad you’re safe,” Leorio murmurs.

  
“I’m never safe.”

  
“Not true. You’re always safe with me.”

  
That’s it.

  
He climbs on top of his friend and because Leorio is still, after all this time, too damn stupid to take the hint, Kurapika _finally_ kisses him on the mouth. Thankfully Leorio is a responsive man, and he immediately opens his lips and tangles his hands in Kurapika’s hair and around his back.

  
“I’ve wanted this for so long,” he sighs.

  
Kurapika doesn’t reply, at least not until Leorio’s tongue enters the equation. Then he can’t stop himself from saying “God, me too.”

  
Leorio’s hand sneaks up Kurapika’s shirt, _Leorio’s_ shirt, up each ridge of his spine and back down again. “Is this okay?”

  
Kurapika nods and whispers “yes,” because he’s known Leorio long enough to know that he’s the type of guy who needs to hear a verbal “yes.”They’re closer now, and there’s a thrumming heat caught between Leorio’s worn sweats and Kurapika’s briefs, a heat that Kurapika needs to touch and hold and feel inside or else he’s going to die.

  
He pulls Leorio’s sweats down and he takes. He takes and he gives and he lets Leorio take him because he _wants_ it, because here he is _safe_ , and when Leorio asks him to stay, Kurapika says “okay.”

* * *

He does stay.

  
For a few hours, at least.

* * *

Leorio is ruthless.

  
He catches Kurapika’s wrist as he’s on his way out the door, fresh off his first meeting with the zodiacs, and for a split second Kurapika makes a move to attack before he recognizes his friend. Well…he thinks that’s what they are. Calling them anything else is a bridge he’s not ready to cross.

  
“We need to talk.”

  
He gets dragged a few streets down to an alley (because of _course_ it’s an alley, Leorio why are you so _cliché,)_ and he’s left staring up at a man who looks unbelievably pissed. “Welcome to the zodiacs.”

  
What a warm fucking welcome. “Thank you for recommending me.”

  
Silence passes between them and now Kurapika is starting to get annoyed. “Are we done here?”

  
“Fuck no. We need to talk.”

  
“About what?”

  
“Don’t pull this shit with me, you know why I’m pissed. Was it the eyes? Is that why you left? Was it some sort of work thing? Or was I just that bad?” That possibility seems to not have dawned on Leorio until now, and it couldn’t be farther from the truth, but Leorio is going to spiral over it regardless. “Oh fuck, did you not like it? Oh my God, I am _so sorry,_ Kurapika, I—”

  
“Stop being a hypochondriac. I enjoyed myself just fine.” Oof. Just fine. Both inaccurate and way too harsh.

  
“Oh.” The anger is back in a second. “Well then why the hell did you leave?”

  
“Because that’s what I do.”

  
“What you—give me a fucking break, Kurapika, I’m your friend. You don’t have to do that whole ‘cold sexy loner’ schtick with me.”

  
“You think I’m sexy?” Wow. Kurapika is an _idiot._

  
“Well considering we had _sex_ I’d say yeah.” He takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. “You unloaded a whole lot of information on me, then the next day you showed up at my door, and I asked you to stay, and you didn’t. If you had just told me you couldn’t then maybe I wouldn’t be pissed, but you didn’t, so I am. I think. I…It’s so hard to stay mad at you.”

  
“Be mad at me.”

  
Leorio looks confused and Kurapika is prepared to explain. “I’m not a child, Leorio. Don’t conceal your emotions the way everyone else around me does. That’s the same as lying. If you’re mad at me, then be mad at me. Feel it. Whatever you feel about me, _feel it.”_

  
A heartbeat, and then Leorio is crowding him against the wall and kissing him. No, it’s more of an attack than a kiss, all tongue and force and scraping teeth. And it’s _really_ good, so good that Kurapika can feel his pants tightening already—fuck, either he’s outrageously repressed or Leorio is just this much all on his own.

  
Leorio pulls away, Kurapika’s saliva shining on his lips. “Is that enough, then?”

  
Kurapika feels alive again, and he’s willing to chase this feeling for all he’s worth, so he grabs Leorio by the tie and snarls. “Depends. Are you still holding back?”

  
“Yes.”

  
He replies against the shell of Leorio’s ear. “Then it’s not enough.”

  
He’s not awkward this time around. Leorio is hard and fast and rough, and Kurapika doesn’t bother being gentle back. He knows he’s going to lose this fight, he _wants_ to lose this fight, but he won’t go quietly. When Leorio slips his hand into his pants, Kurapika twists his wrist. When Leorio brushes his fingers against Kurapika’s lips, he bites down hard. When Leorio pauses for breath, Kurapika growls and digs his nails into his skin and says _harder, I said_ harder, _stop holding back Leorio—_

  
And then he’s clinging onto Leorio as they come undone, and there’s a hand cupping the side of his face and giving him this look, like he’s…Kurapika can’t even think of a word for it.

  
“Will you stay this time?” He extends his pinky. Pinky promises weren’t a thing for Kurtans, and Kurapika has always found the gesture a bit childish, but coming from Leorio it’s just so damn precious. Oh, _precious_ , that’s the word for how Leorio looks at him.

  
It wouldn’t hurt to oblige him just once. _Only_ once. “I promise.”

* * *

Everything is so different now.

  
All the clothes Kurapika spent days making are tucked away and replaced with suits. He’s getting skinnier and his hair is getting longer; he has to keep it in ponytails sometimes to keep the blood out. He has not one but two lives to protect, and he’s dedicated to doing the job.

  
It is quite lonely sometimes, even with two constant companions. Gon texts him every now and then but Kurapika can’t bring himself to reply because Gon is still so young and good and Kurapika can’t be the one to turn him back into whatever thing he became at NGL. Killua has never been one for texting, but Kurapika thinks about how he’s doing, too. He hopes that Killua and Gon will make it one day, now that Killua has realized he loves Gon back. Maybe they will make it.

  
Kurapika probably won’t.

  
He hasn’t seen Leorio since they brought Woble in for a checkup. Queen Oito was worried about him not being a pediatrician, but she was reassured when she saw how Leorio reacted to Woble. He went on and on about what a beautiful baby she was, rocking her, petting her hair. It was like seeing a baby made Leorio come alive. They were going to just leave after the checkup but Leorio pulled Kurapika into his office and had the _nerve_ to be a _good friend_ concerned about _Kurapika’s wellbeing_. How dare he.

  
“You’re okay? No damage?”

  
“Nope. Holy Chain, remember?”

  
Leorio frowned. “What have I told you? Use it for serious injuries only. The body is meant to take its time healing, it’s not healthy for you to be accelerating the process all the time.”

  
“You use your Nen to heal people.”

  
“Yeah, well I’m a doctor. It’s my job. Look, just try to get some sleep. And eat every three hours. And please…don’t be a stranger, okay?”

  
Kurapika pulled him down into a kiss as an advanced apology. They haven’t seen each other since.

  
Woble is all better now, and Kurapika doesn’t want to be a stranger, but he has to be. The life he has made for himself is a life in a river of blood. It’s in his lungs, it’s in his eyes, it’s everywhere, and if he lets anyone else in then they’ll get hurt. He’ll hurt them. And Kurapika won’t let Leorio drown.

* * *

Leorio is fading.

  
Everything is fading on the Black Whale. Memories and dates are blurring together. Kurapika no longer remembers if he’s eaten a meal in any given day, and it doesn’t even matter because he barely has time for food. He stayed up for 24 hours yesterday and can’t even tell if he’s tired or not. He’s starting to forget things as soon as he hears them and he hasn’t seen the sky in ages. In order to hold onto things that he knows to be true, he writes them down in a plain black notebook. Every time he does his fingers shake. The new page says _my name is Kurapika. I am the last living member of the Kurta clan. My mother sang songs to me and my father taught me how to sew. My favorite color is blue. I am bodyguard to the Eighth Queen of the Kakin Empire and the 14th Prince. Woble is an infant, but she has a smile like Pairo. Pairo had a laugh like Gon. I turn twenty years old next month._

  
If it’s written down then he knows it’s true, but the words look so strange; so wrong. So long ago and far away. God, this is stupid. He slams the notebook shut and returns it to its spot under his pillow, and he curls on his side. How is it possible for one to be so tired and yet so awake?

  
Maybe he’s not able to sleep anymore. Maybe his body doesn’t dare try because the nightmares are just too bad.

  
His phone rings and he doesn’t even bother to look at the caller ID. He knows who it is.

_  
_ The call goes straight to voicemail. Again, he doesn’t have the heart to delete it.

  
“Hey, Kurapika. It’s me. I, uh…it’s been a while, so I just wanted to make sure you’re safe and all that. Actually, that’s not it. I’ve been thinking about this thing you said before the expedition. You told me never to hide how I feel about you. So I figured I should stand by that and just say…you know what, never mind. Please answer your phone.”

  
The next morning, Kurapika finds another voicemail.

_  
_“I love you.”

  
Then the line goes dead.

* * *

Leorio is cruel.

  
How dare he say that to Kurapika. How dare he taunt him with love, the thing that everyone says makes life worth living and the thing that he cannot have. There’s enough on his plate already. He has eyes to collect and a life to protect. He has a baby to protect. There’s no place in his life for love and there never will be. _Remember, Kurapika, no love, only rage._

  
At least before he was able to ignore dreams of dates and flowers and kisses and pinky promises that never break, but now he can’t, and it’s all Leorio’s fault. Kurapika was doing fine and Leorio went and fucked everything up because he really is selfish and cruel after all.

  
He doesn’t write that down in the notebook.

  
Speak of the damn devil, his phone is ringing. Kurapika certainly doesn’t want to pick up, but he’s failed to answer the last half dozen calls, so he’ll be nice for once and answer. “Hello?”

  
“You picked up.”

  
“I do that sometimes.”

  
Leorio sighs through the phone. “Can you come to my office?”

  
“Not really.”

  
“Okay. Then I’ll come to you.”

  
“There are bodyguards, Leorio, they won’t let you in.”

  
“Then tell them to let me in. I need to see you.”

  
Ugh, he’s impossible. But Kurapika doesn’t really have any option but to let him in, considering Leorio will either argue with the guards until they get fed up or start fighting them on sight. And so, he makes his way to the entrance to their quarters—where Leorio is arguing with the guards—and he sighs “it’s alright, he’s with me, we’ll be done in a few minutes.”

  
Kurapika gets a good look at Leorio when they’re both in his room. He’s wearing his scrubs (how _dare_ he have any business looking that attractive in hospital scrubs of all things) and the softness of his face is no more, replaced with all dryness and unshaven shadow. He’s still aggressively hot, but he doesn’t quite look like himself.

  
“Okay. What was so important you had to risk my client’s safety?”

  
“I love you.”

  
Some strangled wet thing starts growing in his throat and chokes his reply. “You already said that.”

  
“I know. But I wanted to say it in person.”

  
Kurapika nods. Then he points to the door.

  
They don’t speak for a long time after that.

* * *

Leorio is everything.

  
He’s everywhere, too. Getting dressed in the morning reminds Kurapika of how much pride Leorio takes in looking professional at all times and how he growls when he’s pulled into a kiss by the tie. Watching Woble clap her tiny hands together when Kurapika plays peak-a-boo with her reminds him of how good Leorio is with kids, and it makes him wonder what kind of a father he’d be; what kind of fathers they’d both be. Every sight, every touch, every _thing_ leads back to Leorio fucking Paladiknight to the point that it’s annoying.

  
Getting close to Gon and Killua was dangerous enough. Those kids were a massive chink in his armor. They still are. And Chrollo knew it. But this…Leorio kicked his armor into the fucking sun. He’s vulnerable to every attacker now. His entire life has been upended by this.

  
Kurapika has had two motives for the past two decades: kill the Phantom Troupe and take back the eyes of his parents and sisters and brothers. Once that’s done, he might as well die. He _will_ die. Live for revenge and die for revenge.

  
But now he doesn’t want to live for just revenge anymore. He wants to live for stupid jokes and button up shirts and ties. For the way Leorio’s hands fit perfectly against his ribs and the way his whole body shakes right before he comes. He wants to live for things that haven’t even happened yet: holding Leorio’s hand, failing to pry himself out of Leorio’s arms in the morning and surrendering to just a few more minutes in bed, greeting him with a glass of champagne to celebrate his first day operating his own practice. Apartment keys. Gold rings. No, not gold rings, wooden rings, like Mother and Father had. Wooden rings and traditional Kurtan ceremonies, children, a dog, getting to hear Leorio say those magical words every day, _I love you, I love you, I love you—_

  
Did he say that out loud?

  
Oh. Oh no.

  
He fishes his notebook and pen out from under his pillow and opens up to the marked page. _My name is Kurapika. I am the last living member of the Kurta clan. My mother sang songs to me and my father taught me how to sew. My favorite color is blue. I am bodyguard to the Eighth Queen of the Kakin Empire and the 14th Prince. Woble is an infant, but she has a smile like Pairo. Pairo had a laugh like Gon. I turn twenty years old next month._

  
Kurapika clicks the pen and writes.

_  
I love Leorio Paladiknight._

  
And then he knows it to be true.

* * *

Leorio is foolish.

  
Only a fool would love Kurapika, a man who has blood on his hands and (almost) nothing but rage in his heart. Loving him is akin to a death sentence. He’ll either die and leave his lover alone and heartbroken, or he’ll die and condemn his lover to a life on the run from a dozen vengeful mafiosos who are angry they couldn’t kill Kurapika themselves. It’s a lose lose situation. Everyone gets hurt.

  
But Kurapika is foolish, too. Because he’s in love, and he doesn’t want to let go of it.

  
Aside from the Black Whale, New Continent is the last place Kurapika wants to be. There’s nothing for him here. Still, he’s so relieved to be on solid land with a sky above him that he crumbles to the ground the second he’s alone. Kurapika is in love, and he’s on land again. In this moment that’s enough for him. He can just curl his hands in the dirt, close his eyes, and surrender.

  
Surrender…the earth is so good, the Clan used to sing songs about the earth, they used to pluck flowers from the earth and braid them into each others’ hair, they surrendered, maybe it’s Kurapika’s time…  


  
Surrender…

  
He comes to in a medical tent with an extremely tall figure leaning over him. “What happened?”

  
“Melody found you passed out on the ground a few hours ago. Have you used Emperor Time recently?”

  
“No. I was just…tired.” A part of Kurapika wants to sleep for a million hours, because he’s still quite tired, but more than that he needs to be outside, reminding himself what it’s like to live on earth. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

  
Turns out he can’t, because as soon as Kurapika stands up his knees buckle.

  
“Hey, slow down!” Leorio grabs Kurapika under his arms to keep him upright. “You haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in days, and I know you haven’t eaten today. You’re running on empty. Trying to walk will just make you pass out again.”

  
Kurapika should say something. He should say how much it means to him that Leorio knows him so well. No, he should confess.

  
He (of course) doesn’t say either of those things.

  
“You shouldn’t love me.”

  
Leorio’s face falls and he sets Kurapika back on the cot. “It’s not a matter of ‘should.’ Love isn’t logical. That’s how you know it’s love.”

  
“But you’re hurt. And I hurt you.”

  
Leorio sighs, and for once he sounds like the world-weary old man everyone thinks he is. “Loving you gets me through the day, Kurapika. That’s not why I’m hurt. I’m hurt because you don’t _communicate_ with me. It’s like the cherry on top of my ‘I’m not okay’ sundae. And I’m _not okay,_ by the way. I’m stressed out every day because being a doctor is _really_ fucking stressful, I’m scared of the future, I’m confused about whatever the fuck is going on with the zodiacs and the continent and the war, and I’ll never understand it no matter how hard I try which just makes everything worse, but most of all I am so. Fucking. Tired.”

  
He rubs his eyes. Only then does Kurapika notice that Leorio also has circles under his eyes. He probably hasn’t slept in days, either. “I can’t do this anymore. I know you’re in pain, and I know you have priorities beyond me, but I have needs, too. I can’t keep putting myself out there just to get nothing back. I’m not strong enough.” His voice breaks. “Please just…tell me the truth. Do you want to be just friends?”

  
No defenses. No excuses. Just the truth. “No.”

  
“Do you just want hookups?”

  
“No.”

  
“Then what do you want from me?”

  
“I want…” Kurapika thinks back on all the things he wants and then he remembers one of the simplest and silliest of his fantasies; one of the ones that makes him ache. “I want to have dinner with you.”

  
“Seriously?”

  
Kurapika nods. Dinner is what people do when they go on dates.

  
“Alright, uh…meet me here tomorrow night, I guess.”

  
“Okay.”

  
Leorio’s hand rests on Kurapika’s thigh. “Please get some sleep.”

  
The warmth of his hand lingers as Kurapika closes his eyes and finally has a night without nightmares.

* * *

They meet outside the tent with peanut butter sandwiches and a single flask. They could have eaten at the restaurant on board, but there’s no way Kurapika is getting back on that fucking whale anytime soon, so a shitty picnic will have to do.

  
All in all it’s a wonderful experience. Leorio tells him all the best and worst things that happened while he began studying for med school, and describes in vivid detail how it felt to punch Ging Freecss. Kurapika tells him stories about home—what kinds of clothes everyone wore, all the pranks he used to pull, the books he used to read over and over until they fell apart. He tells him about Pairo, and he realizes that the doctor he spent all those months looking for, the doctor he was always meant to find, is _right here,_ sitting across from him on a plastic tarp that crunches when they move.

  
“I want to have dinner with you again,” Kurapika says, hoping Leorio doesn’t notice that he’s blushing. “When we get off this rock, I want to go out to a real restaurant.”

  
Leorio covers Kurapika’s hand with his own. “Name a time and place. I’ll bring flowers.”

  
Their hands stay clasped when they walk along no path in particular, just looking up at the sky full of stars that stretch on for forever. Forever. Kurapika had almost given up on forever. But he’s not going to do that, because forever is now, and now is Leorio looking down at him and asking “hey, remember that thing you said during the exam? About Kurtan constellations?”

_  
He remembered._

  
“Yes, I recall.”

  
“I haven’t given up on learning yet. I expect a lesson soon.”

  
And it’s then that Kurapika can’t take it anymore.  “I’m sorry.”

  
Leorio opens his mouth, but Kurapika cuts him off before he can say anything. “No, let me say this. You’re right. I haven’t communicated with you. I’ve been a bad friend. I thought…I’ve done so many terrible things since Yorknew, things that make me sick, and I thought that by shutting you out I could protect you from getting hurt. I didn’t realize I was just hurting you more. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you ever again, because…” he exhales, and he looks at Leorio with scarlet eyes. “I love you.” Kurapika clasps Leorio’s hands and brings them to his lips, trying to be romantic in spite of the fact that he’s now crying. “I love you so much. I’ve always loved you. I was just too scared to admit it.”

  
“It is kinda scary, isn’t it?” Leorio takes a step closer so Kurapika can see that he’s crying too. “It’s worth it, though.”

  
“I have to collect all the eyes no matter what. And I’m going to get in a lot of danger that you could get roped into. And Emperor Time…” he doesn’t say _I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive to love you,_ but Leorio understands.

  
“We can make it work,” Leorio says. “I know we can. If you want.”

  
“I do. I want.”

  
“So…would you like to be my partner?”

  
God. They’ve been through hell and back and Leorio is still so dumb. “Yes. _Yes,_ I would like that very much.”

  
Leorio hugs him so hard that he could squeeze the life out of Kurapika, but if that’s the way he were to go then so be it. He’s in love, and he’s loved, and for the first time in years he lets himself be _happy_.

  
Kurapika doesn’t know what will happen when they get back to civilization. He doesn’t know where his path will go when the spiders are dead and the eyes are laid to rest. He doesn’t even know what tomorrow will bring. But for now, the taste of salt on Leorio’s lips is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> *pokes head out of ninth circle of HxH hell*  
> I tried to wrap my head around Dark Continent and Succession War guys, I really did, and I just could NOT do it, so here is this attempt that’s probably not canon accurate at all but it’s something. I’m also working on a companion piece about Leorio pining away in med school, and I have a vague idea for a post-canon drabble about Kurapika finding a new path of fulfillment and meaning with his tall bf.  
> Also, this fic has recommended listening!  
> [Nocturnal by The Midnight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7Qx7R655LI) – the entire album is leopika propaganda, but particularly “Shadows,” “River of Darkness,” and “Light Years.”  
> \-------  
> Thank you for reading this. Comments and kudos water my crops!  
> Yell at me on [tumblr](http://kataruhh.tumblr.com)


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